nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
