It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
