I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
