3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
