On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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