His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
