I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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