She went from zero to smokin in five shots
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
