So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
