I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize