Fuck appropriateness.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
