Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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