I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
