I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So squirting runs in the family.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
