I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
