There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
