im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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