I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
