If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
