im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
