omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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