I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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