I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize