I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I will pee on everything he values.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
