The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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