Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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