Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
