I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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