went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
birth control should be required to get into college
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize