I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
