I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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