bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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