where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
