Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
