Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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