I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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