This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
