sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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