DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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