My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
