her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
