Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
