Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize