the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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