Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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