After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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