I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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