Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
