I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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