i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We need to rekindle our bromance
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
