Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
