he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
