i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
