How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize