Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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