And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
