No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
