shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
