I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
