dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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