tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
