I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
